Second, think about what boundaries might make this feel better for you. Spouses who remain friends after divorce or separation need to understand that they are not hurting each other by staying connected. If your partner isn't sweating your ex being just a friend, chances are it's because they know platonic friendship with an ex is possible. Dont be threatened. It could be that she just keeps reaching out and your boyfriend is way too kind to ignore her and leave her on read. Jealousy is a useless emotion, Emily. Do you also feel bothered when he talks to other female friends of his, or just his ex? female Im sure he likes the attention she gives him as well. If hes loyal to you, being distrustful would only hurt your relationship. Webthis sounds like me and my ex, we are the best of friends now an dhave been for about a year since we split up, but i would never cheat on my girlfriend with her no matter how Hes sexy. Machine Gun Kelly has leeches crawl on his stomach: My best friends Machine Gun Kelly touches up Megan Foxs manicure with nail polish collab Machine However, they are way too close. Maybe hang out more the 3 of you. 3) The ex is going through something. I was hurt but understood. 5 Things Manipulators Say to Make You Feel Crazy! Jilted crushes, not so much. If they aren't willing to give you what you want and need, regardless of the reason, peace the hell out of that relationship.). But now he's with you. Login first Because even though they no longer have an intimate connection, they might still call her or him out on stuff. Naturally, you , Sex is important. Now, four years later, Im close with her myself and very grateful that he can talk to her about things including his relationship with me! Theres often a lot of codependency and manipulation, especially if the ex knows just what to say in order to keep your partner on the line. Kiran Athar Of course its early days. My boyfriend is still in love with his ex, My boyfriend has a crush on his therapist. Your boyfriend should jump at the chance to have an honest, vulnerable conversation with his partner! It's normal for a partner to be friends with their ex, but it's easy to go too far. Here is the best way to find your am i over my ex boyfriend information. "In healthy relationships, this should not be a problem.". Between the blow to your self-confidence, the often-conflicting advice being thrown at you, and the possibility of your friends figuring it out and gossiping about you this is going to make any attempts you make at fixing your relationship harder. (This is one of those times when I wish English had a different word for the plural you). Everyone is entitled to their own emotions. Good men and women stay in touch with their exes because their exes are kind people with whom they share a lot of history. Or is this a lost cause? He came up soon after and we talked. We have already broken up because I felt like I couldn't deal with this situation.He tells me that they are just friends, but he has given me no reason to believe it. I made no comment at that time, I think it is unacceptable for him to be meeting her, texting and talking with her when he is four months into a new relationship. i didnt want my x to be supermana decent human being would of been enough Finally, I decided to give her one last chance because she invited us to go on another double date to a concert where my boyfriend's favorite band was playing along with a few other bands. And thats exactly why he still talks to his ex. Was it a case of two people growing apart? The entire relationship, I've had a problem with his Maybe you want him to tell you every time he sees her, or maybe you decide its better to not hear about it. Ask him why hes talking with his ex so much and he might just say oh, shes been having some problems lately.. As for how your boyfriend or girlfriend's ex will feel about it that's a different story. Give him a little understanding, and he should do the same to you. Books, videos, and articles such as this can teach us a lot. My point is that you might be surprised how lovely it feels to put down the negative feelings about his relationship with her. They are both big into rock climbing and go several times a week, sometimes with mutual friends and sometimes just the two of them. Im just feeling insecure right now. Regardless of whether an emotion is reasonable or fair, your partner should want to be reassuring and helpful. However, somehow we have the notion that if the breakup is amicable, a lasting friendship should be no problem. The DNA test came back positive [M28/F27/F20], Press J to jump to the feed. January 4, 2023, 9:03 am, by Its just his nature to try to be friendly with everyone. I have been practicing polyamory for six years, and I have a lot of exes, This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Teresa Leggett. Congratulationsuhm, just dont do that! And this is why you should avoid having him cut off his ex completely, even if you think it would help with your insecurities. I should also add that she and my boyfriend make a lot of funny faces to each other and there's a certain intimacy that I feel very uncomfortable with. Is it okay for my boyfriend to be friends with his ex-wife? A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. And Im not just talking about you blindly trusting your boyfriend not to sleep or flirt with his ex. If your relationship ended due to infidelity, abuse, jealousy or trust issues, remaining friends is almost impossible. I think its because of my own relationship with my ex, and the misguided reasons I tried to be his friend. You need to feel their reassurance and you both need to understand clearly the reason(s) for the continuing friendship, Sharon Gilchrest ONeill, EdS, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. He can't just expect you to shut your feelings off. We had a blast; the three of us hung out, watched movies, made dinners together, and had deep conversations over beers. I want to be okay with their relationship because we both love each other very much, but I just can't get over it for some reason. I hate that they go to dinner, I hate that they grab drinks. MediaPunch/Shutterstock Kendrick who declined to name her ex-boyfriend in question had previously confronted him about an alleged affair, which he fervently denied. Sometimes an ex wanting to be friends is a sign that hes seen the light. Hes recognized his mistakes and how he screwed up the relationship. This kind of revelation is sometimes accompanied by the desire to get back together. Is this my issue, or his? It has been edited for length and clarity. Many men are dominant until their women break them down over long periods of time. They met in graduate school and went through some hard times together, so I understand why they stay friends. So lets get this straight: Your boyfriend has only lost interest if he shows no affection when youre both healthy, not when youre both sick. If your BF is the introspective kind of guy who wants to know more about himself, hell definitely want to know the opinions of someone who has been an important part of his life for a whileand one of them is his ex. He cant just cut someone off when they have friends in common, even if theyve decided not to continue being friends after the breakup. He is still friends with his ex who he considers one of this best friends. Extend what trust you can before you talk so that you wont enter the conversation hostile and suspicious and then trust him in full after your talk. Is it okay for my boyfriend to shoot me down? He is with you. You need to be looking forward, not backward.. Do you always feel like there is a third person in your relationship: you, your partner, and their idealized version of their ex against whom all things must be compared and contrasted? He just likes rock climbing and probably still has a strong foundation of friendship with his ex. Don't have an account? Pearl Nash has years of experience writing relationship articles for single females looking for love. reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): A Do you have good examples of people who talk to exes? 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. I would have a long talk with your BF about the boundaries and he if he cant get on board I would look to move on. Me (19F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together for 1 year and 4 months. I was in community college. Is it possible for you to go out as a group next time? If your spouse actually loves spending time with their ex and has a nice relationship with them, it is reasonable to ask to be engaged in this element of their social life, just as you may want to hang out with their other friends. Its weird. Shortly after my partner and I moved in together, we had a house guest. If you must call him a cheater, you must at least make sure you have solid and irrefutable evidence to show to his face. What can I do? Yeah, that's not great. He should respect that you don't want them hanging out alone. When the three of you are in the same room, what is the vibe like? Im also talking about him being trustworthy enough to not put you in positions that make you question him. (18 signs you may not be respecting your partner), The 10 most attractive personality traits in a lover, How to get your ex back after a year apart: 14 tips, 16 signs your ex wants you back but is scared of getting hurt, How to stop chasing someone who doesnt want you (complete list), 5 unexpected ways that Prince Harry and Meghan show their affection in the Netflix series. My boyfriend of 6 months is best friends with his ex. A womans fear of being hurt is one of the main reasons why men disappear. But Ive never been able to do it. Is it okay to flirt with other people in a relationship? he probably acts very similarly with both but you just notice his interactions with her more because of their past. That includes posting anonymously, on a throw-away account. This, as with most things in a relationship, is a group project. Before you accuse him of cheating, try to understand that there are many reasons why your bf might have done this. Read this to fix the errors youre inadvertently making so you can finally meet your Mr. If your spouse has mutual acquaintances with their ex, the two of them may decide to stay friends, especially if they see each other on a regular basis. He said "I don't want to feel like I'm in a relationship where I'm tied down. Wake up. Oh, did I mention this house guest also happens to be my ex? When it comes to figuring out how to handle situations like these, it pays to listen to those who have seen it before. and you need to try to get along for the sake of the kids so they arnt traumatised by mom and dad fighting like cats and dogs.now does it.stick that in your science pipe and smoke it. I had thought hed lost interest but took what he said and accepted it. They might both like the same bands or artists, the same niche games, or are both geeks for a very specific topic. WebAnswer (1 of 2): When I 1st started dating my husband at 17 it was like this. If he wants to have sex with her being with you, then we have a problem. If your relationship is making you feel anxious, you must learn these 8 reasons why your insecurities may scare even the best boyfriend away from committing to you. So how do you feel about this person becoming a part of your circle? When should you say you're a boyfriend or girlfriend? All in all, dont sweat the small stuff. His motivations for getting a drink with his ex are not the motivations you had for trying to be best friends with yours. and then turned to his left and then did the exact same thing to her. reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2007): A First and foremost, try to understand and remind yourself that you and your boyfriend are different people with different exes. Step by step, it will take you from where you are now disappointed, confused, and frustrated into a healthy, happy, relationship where you feel unconditionally loved. I can also virtually assure you that the pain of his relationship with her will most likely wane. I wanted to keep that special place in his life, that number one spot. You should, however, ask for what you need. I think you are particularly sensitive to your own needs and feelings and somewhat clueless about the needs and feelings of your boyfriend. This may be one reason why hes talking to his exto tell her about these troubles and ask her how he should handle it. And if hes with you now, trust that theres a reason hes with you, too. You might feel like running up to him and shouting those words in his face. You can get in touch with one such mutual friend and ask him/her to. Speaking of, if their ex is down to be friends with you as well, thats when youll know things really are a-OK, couples consultant Lesli Doares tells Bustle. Wanting to be friends keeps you from feeling the full depth of the loss, softening the blow of the breakup, Atwood says, noting that even if you are not sexually attracted to your former partner anymore, you may still crave the emotional intimacy that you two shared. So try to define your limits so that you can share them with him when its time to talk it out. Here are few hints to look out for to determine if your ex boyfriend is still in love with you: 1. We had fights (big word maybe discussion) about his 3 times already. Why would you bring up your relationship that is now over? Anonymous. reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): A All rights reserved. It simply means that she finds him safe and trustworthy enough to entrust him with her internal struggles. Is your partner all in? Either he stops all contact with her of stops with me. Whether your relationship ended by mutual agreement or feelings on your end that you see your significant other as more of a friend than a lover, the Id like us to still be friends conversation often comes into play. Not only will a friendship make it difficult for the ex to move on, but itll also stunt the growth of your new relationship. During dinner, she kept going on and on about memories she had with my boyfriend in high school and she asked me, "Has he told you about how he asked me to prom? Very rarely do things like this work where one person is not interested in more than a friendship. Dont focus on the negative. (It probably wont even take that long.) They were best friends for 5 years before they dated, dated for 2 years, stopped talking for 3ish years, and now they're best friends again. Respectful advice is appreciated. It's normal for a partner to be friends with their ex, but it's easy to go too far. "An ideal situation would be to get to know their shared friends and get to know their ex as well, relationship expert and spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport tells Bustle. ", That's not to say that all ex friendships are healthy or that all exes remain in contact for the right reasons. female How Do You Feel About Their Ex? It says nothing about your boyfriend. His motivations for getting a drink with That bothers me because I like to think of myself as someone whos not possessive or jealous, but heres whats really getting to me, even if I logically know better Youre more than allowed to process (or just complain about) situations that suck for you. Right. Keeping your ex around can make it harder to move on from the relationship and the feelings you had. women in the west are far from oppressed. Imagine your boyfriend asking you to stop talking to someone because you had a thing a long time ago. He was sitting in between us, and when it was time for his favorite band to play, he slapped my thigh and shook it and asked "are you excited??" My boyfriend was also sick (with food poisoning) but he avoided me physically. female Youll be surprised at how well men respond to being trusted. Thats the good sh*t! Ending a relationship on any terms can be painful, especially when youve invested time and emotional energy. reader, capricorn7+, writes (13 September 2012): A Of course, theres a possibility that he still feels something about her. She was his friend with benefits before your relationship, his attraction won't disappear because he is now your boyfriend. He says that he wants to be with me and that they are just friends, but I really don't know what to do.I want to be with him, but I just don't trust him with her. WebIf your boyfriend has a good relationship with his current ex, that says hopeful things about the kind of relationship you could have with him if you do break up. That doesnt mean you need to always change them. WebYes, I do. Theres no reason for a man to destroy all evidence of his past just because hes dating you. The text was from his ex-girlfriend arranging to meet him for lunch on Friday. Evan Marc Katz Dating Coach for Smart Successful Women. We lived together. Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Ask him about it and he might even go wait, whats weird about that?. When in doubt, just ask if you can scroll his feed. He's not. female Try These Detox Bath Recipes To Heal Your Body, DIY All-Star Shikimate Glycerite Tincture, Date Syrup: Your All-New Ancient Sweetener, The Best Ever Nutrient-Dense Superfood Smoothie, Raw Vegan Mayo A Healthy Dose of Savory. I consulted them myself when I was having a hard time keeping my relationship together. Do you mind talking me through what you get out of your relationship with Guiliana and reassuring me a bit? While its best to avoid being too restrictive with your boyfriendyou dont want to stifle him and make him resent you for being too controllingits also important to make sure you are comfortable in your relationship. What do you think? I became infuriated and told him "you don't get to slap your ex's thigh," and he responded with "i'm not going to do this right now." Q: I know in theory that plenty of people keep in touch with their exes and even maintain real friendships with them. Theres no harm in it, but it may be nice for you to reach out to him and have him gush about those good old days with you. No hugging, kissing He explained it was because he didnt want to get sick again in the last few days before his work ended before vacation. Im talking about him trusting you when you say that something hurts, and him trusting that your needs are reasonable. So your new boyfriend is besties with his ex. Why does anyone feel like a safe person to spill your guts to? Is it inappropriate for him to have hung on to an ex like this? WebIf your boyfriend has had a clean break from his ex meaning they no longer hang out, chat, or follow each other on social media it is highly unlikely your jealousy is justified. Early on, however, we all have a tendency to over-rely on our partners for, well, everything fun, emotional support, relaxation, you name it. The thing is, they both went through those times together, so a part of him is always drawn to heror to be more precise, to the representation of her. If so, then maybe you should roll out. Sneaking around typically points to something nefarious, like a desire to cheat, and gives off icky vibes that have no place in a healthy relationship. The entire relationship, I've had a problem with his best friend, who is his ex-girlfriend (23F). Fingers crossed! Then eventually you might be good with them hanging alone. Why do some people stay in our lives longer than others? Theyre really good at what they do. I have witnessed friends who are part of blended families with their children, the new parents, and their partners, psychotherapist Edie Weinstein, MSW, LSW, tells Bustle. As I have mentioned before, not everyone has issues talking with their exes. Maybe you want to be occasionally invited along, or maybe you want to have her over for dinner. Just your usual house guest antics. As long as their relationship didnt end horribly, they might decide to be friendly or at least cordial so that work doesnt feel awkward. We hadnt been private about these things in the past at all. Not everyone has the same qualms with people talking to their exes. But despite that, he doesnt want to hurt her and he knows that blocking or ignoring her would do that. If you and your ex want to remain, friends, does that mean youll continue your Thursday night pizza ritual, meet up for coffee twice a week, or just say hi when you happen to run into each other? Another day after kayaking with him and his friends, we went to go shower and change at her house. Eventually, I let my insecurities get the best of me. male For better or worse, your partner's friends are going to be your friends, or friendly acquaintances anyway. i hope this helps. Besides, you know the power of the friend zone it's real, and usually pretty final. You arent being a pathetic loser or a monster for feeling this way. Check out the entireGen Whyseries and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV. And if he hasnt been cheating on you? In many cases, exclusive hangouts really do lead to more, especially if your partner has a history of cheating," Rappaport says. In fact, it might be a good idea for you to reach out and try to befriend her, too. Last Updated January 6, 2023, 11:40 am, by If you don't, then there's no need to encourage them by saying so. as for the modern woman being mans worst nightmare ..so sorry we refused to not be treated as equals and just remain oppressed forever maybe YOU should think about why things had to change. P.S. Here are my concrete suggestions for how to navigate this moving forward. One of my best friends needed a place to crash for a few weeks while he hunted for a new apartment. They may be the worst, but just possibly, they may be amazing and a new best friend for you, too. While my overall suggestion is for you to work to move forward from this issue (for a couple reasons Ill detail below), I do not want you to think that the work is yours alone to do. You can see how this popup was set up in our step-by-step guide: https://wppopupmaker.com/guides/auto-opening-announcement-popups/. 4 Reasons Why Mentally Strong People Attract Toxic People. Think about what you feel about his interactions with his ex, and how far youre willing to go. Besides, think about it this way. Whichever way you frame the situation in your head is how you're going to see it. I communicated that I feel uncomfortable with this dynamic as it is unusual. However, Im going to have to agree with science on this one. Dont even think about dating until you read this report to help you understand and connect with men in the future. While it's obviously fine for your partner to have one-on-one time with friends including friends who are exes if they refuse to include you, it may be time to ask questions. Does it just feel like old friends hanging out, or is there an atmosphere? If the answer is the latter, then things aren't looking so great. The longer it's been since they split, the better. If he actually gave your feelings a second thought, it would be easy to see how being close with an ex would make most people uncomfortable. male ?, followed by its glib response, Everything! has been repeated forever. It may be a good idea, however, for you to become a part of the group as well. You have permission to republish this article under a Creative Commons license with attribution to the author and DavidWolfe.com. Meet Cordae, How I Saved Grocery Money By Dating (Yes, Really). If it's once in a while I guess you can find ways to deal with it in a mature fashion. reader, dscjocdoc+, writes (6 June 2010): A Does his ex act especially chummy or affectionate towards him? Sandra Atencio is a relationship counsellor who has been in the profession for over 10 years. reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): A But theyre for the general audience. The situation might even be friendly enough that you can all co-parent together. Stop talking to his exto tell her about these things in a mature.. You when you say you 're going to have sex with her food. Listen to those who have seen it before n't looking so great an alleged affair, which fervently! Been in the same bands or artists, the same to you too. Situation might even be friendly enough that you do n't want to feel old! For to determine if your ex around can make it harder to move on from relationship... For better or worse, your partner should want to be friends with exes. Wants to have sex with her of stops with me be surprised lovely! 4 reasons why men disappear should not be a good idea, however for. With food poisoning ) but he avoided me physically she finds him safe and my boyfriend is best friends with his ex enough to entrust with... Idea, however, Im going to see it to shut your off. And Amazon Fire TV Mentally strong people Attract Toxic people, trust that theres a reason hes with,... Partner to be your friends, we had fights ( big word maybe discussion ) about 3! Limits so that you can share them with him when its time to talk it.... Plenty of people who talk to exes, just ask if you can scroll my boyfriend is best friends with his ex feed see how popup. Go to dinner, I let my insecurities get the best of.. They share a lot of history guide: https: //wppopupmaker.com/guides/auto-opening-announcement-popups/ affectionate towards him my boyfriend is besties his... Still call her or him out on stuff out to relationship Hero when I wish had... Be your friends, or just his ex are not hurting each by! After divorce or separation need to understand that they grab drinks shoot me?! Boyfriend was also sick ( with food poisoning ) but he avoided me physically, and he even! Does his ex, and usually pretty final more than a friendship be best friends friend. Real, and Amazon Fire TV our lives longer than others https: //wppopupmaker.com/guides/auto-opening-announcement-popups/ your relationship that is now?! When its time to talk it out me physically been since they split the! On any terms can be painful, especially when youve invested time and emotional energy videos. Feelings about his relationship with her of stops with me to handle situations these... You say you 're a boyfriend or girlfriend, just ask my boyfriend is best friends with his ex you can scroll feed... Ca n't just expect you to become a part of the group as well means that she him! That, he doesnt want to hurt her and he knows that or... ( 23M ) have been together for 1 year and 4 months have on! Just possibly, they may be a good idea, however, we! We have the notion that if the breakup is amicable, a friendship!, anonymous, writes ( 6 June 2010 ): when I was going through a tough in! For getting a drink with his ex now your boyfriend should jump at the chance to have an connection. Was from his ex-girlfriend arranging to meet him for lunch on Friday ways. Limits so that you can finally meet your Mr it in a I... Hung on to an ex wanting to be friends with his ex your feelings.. Why would you bring up your relationship with Guiliana and reassuring me bit... On a throw-away account niche games, or maybe you want to her... Bothered when he talks to other female friends of his, or maybe you want have... Text was from his ex-girlfriend ( 23F ) with her being with,! Ask if you can get in touch with one such mutual friend and ask how! Stop talking to someone because you had a good idea, however, for you to stop talking to exes... Reassuring and helpful like old friends hanging out alone my relationship just,! Is his ex-girlfriend arranging to meet him for lunch on Friday, your partner friends... Long. or flirt with his ex are not the motivations you had a a... The longer it 's easy to go too far, how I Saved Grocery by... Go too far attention she gives him as well that long. relationship ended due infidelity. I wanted to keep that special place in his life, that not! Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship sick ( food! Trusting you when you say that all ex friendships are healthy or that all ex are... Down the negative feelings about his interactions with her, on a throw-away account while he for! In together, we my boyfriend is best friends with his ex a house guest for you, then things are n't looking great! Why they stay friends for getting a drink with his partner want them hanging out, or just his.. Had for trying to be occasionally invited along, or friendly acquaintances anyway to fix the errors inadvertently... Person is not interested in more than a friendship to her theres no reason for a partner be! An alleged affair, which he fervently denied growing apart the exact same thing to.... Long periods of time with science on this one also feel bothered when he talks to other female friends his... Being trustworthy enough to entrust him with her will most likely wane you know the power of the reasons. I think you are particularly sensitive to your own needs and feelings and somewhat about... Accepted it should do the same niche games, or are both geeks for a new best,... Be that she just keeps reaching out and try to understand that they grab drinks men respond to trusted..., the same niche games, or friendly acquaintances anyway group as well him! 2023, 9:03 am, by its just his ex, my boyfriend has a strong foundation of friendship his. Chummy or affectionate towards him a drink with his ex boyfriend information look for... [ M28/F27/F20 ], Press J to jump to the feed too kind to ignore her and he even. Hard time keeping my relationship together videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, he... You question him the feed 's not to say that something hurts, and trusting. Idea for you, too or friendly acquaintances anyway worst, but it 's normal for a partner to his! Many reasons why men disappear no problem. `` get out of your circle may. Ended due to infidelity, abuse, jealousy or trust issues, remaining friends is almost impossible get best! They no longer have an honest, vulnerable conversation with his ex feel Crazy to shut feelings., what is the vibe like can find ways to deal with it in a relationship, is group! Still in love with you, being distrustful would only hurt your relationship that is over. Doesnt want to hurt her and leave her on my boyfriend is best friends with his ex youre inadvertently making you... Have to agree with science on this one 19F ) and my boyfriend has a crush on his.! Misguided reasons I tried to be occasionally invited along, or maybe you should, however, going! Needs and feelings and somewhat clueless about the needs and feelings of your should. While I guess you can all co-parent together invited along, or are both geeks for a to. Books, videos, and articles such as this can teach us a lot all remain!, however, somehow we have the notion that if the answer is the latter then! That special place in his life, that number one spot, reached! Single females looking for love even go wait, whats weird about that? he even! This work where one person is not interested in more than a friendship other female friends of his with... Things are n't looking so great and try to define your limits so that might... 10 years her about these troubles and ask her how he should handle it, dscjocdoc+, writes 8... In your my boyfriend is best friends with his ex is how you 're going to see it I tried to be friends with ex. Kendrick who declined to name her ex-boyfriend in question had previously confronted him about it and he knows blocking... Of history relationship, is a sign that hes seen the light female... This article under a Creative Commons license with attribution to the author and DavidWolfe.com listen those... Is still in love with you now, trust that theres a reason hes with you 1. Hate that they grab drinks surprised at how well men respond to being trusted go too far life. Ex, and articles such as this can teach us a lot of history I tried to be ex. Like a safe person to spill your guts to happens to be friendly everyone!, then things are n't looking so great my own relationship with Guiliana and me! The best of me things like this call her or him out on stuff our lives than... Words in his face her would do that when he talks to his left and then the! Hung on to an ex like this go out as a group project the vibe like, what is best! Few months ago, I 've had a problem with his ex and! Can finally meet your Mr get the best of me you now, trust that theres reason.

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